Urgent: A note to all my Facebook friends

Dearest Friends,

I regret to inform you that I have been exiled from the Facebook community. It seems the administrators have deemed that I violated their "Code of Conduct." Perhaps it is so... But I would like to take this opportunity to explain myself to my friends, for you are, indeed, my friends, even though I only know a few of you in this fleshly world.

First, I would like to say that the medium of Facebook allowed me to communicate with several wonderful people, and, in some ways, it gave me a new hope in this world. It is so rare to meet others who share my interests, and I confess, I messaged and "poked" several individuals simply because we shared a favourite author or composer. And is that really so wrong? Part of the beauty of Cyperspace is that it tears down the walls that separate--whether they be geographic or social in nature--and I was overjoyed when people with common interests replied to my little electronic missives... Indeed, it reminded me of the pen-pals of my youth (one of whom, I must say, confronted me one dark Guy Fawkes Night with a pistol, but was thankfully too intoxicated to aim... We remain friends).

But, I admit, there was a more sinister side to my Facebook escapades. It is with a slight blush that I confess to occasionally writing sexually suggestive messages to those whose pictures sent blood rushing to my nether regions. Now, these messages were never vulgar in nature and were always complimentary and never ever degrading. If anything, I am being punished for my honesty, and it saddens me that declaring my desire to make love to a few beautiful creatures is seen as violating some sort of "Code of Conduct." Indeed, this code is one an animal such as I cannot live by--it is suited for automatons, not men.

But, I believe, it was not the suggestive messages that made me hear that fearful word, "banished"; rather, it was my exceeding "the poking limit." Perhaps it is fitting that, like Oscar Wilde, I am being punished for poking one too many.

I live my days in constant fear of being thrown in gaol.

Regarding my messages, I never once received an angry response... All in all, I felt quite loved on Facebook, and I must say my banishment pains my bastard heart to a fierce degree. Shall I return? Well, it is hard to say, but for now, like Dante, I am eating bread salted by tears.

Dear Isabelle, I loved discussing Bjork with you (please think of me when you play Vespertine), and Dear Elizabeth, it saddens me that we are forced to play our game of Scrabulous covertly. Ray, you are a dandy to the core--I shall think of you whenever I don a bowtie. You are all my friends and please do not hesitate to email a poor exile for he has nothing in this world but his Dell.

Yours truly,

Nigel Tewksbury