Product Review: Marshall Ferret Beret from ferret.com

Buyer Beware!

I purchased the Marshall Beret for my little ferret friend Daedalus. He has always had an artistic temperament--he would go into a trance whenever he heard Miles Davis and would sulk in the corner for days should a female refuse to mate with him. In September he was intensely melancholic, sometimes refusing to emerge from his Marshall Fleece Leisure Lodge for days on end. He grew emaciated and took to eating cigarette butts. In a last ditch effort to cheer him up, I presented him with the beret.

Immediately he was more active and expressed an interest in painting. I purchased him some watercolours and he began making mad--sometimes pornographic--designs with his paws. Previously it was my habit to drink half a bottle of red wine with breakfast, but since purchasing the beret, I cannot open a bottle without Daedalus sticking his nose in it with the sole aim of intoxication. The beret has changed him entirely. I have created a monster.

He has begun shagging female ferrets without regard to age or appearance, and last week he began experimenting with homosexuality. Though I know full well he is litter-trained, he has taken to defecating and urinating indiscriminately--sometimes he seems to do this to make a statement, though I cannot fathom what it is. His actions have become wild and abstract. I no longer understand him, and I find his bohemian lifestyle rather destructive for a ferret.