Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Training Log: 29 July 2010

Morale: Desperate
Type of Exercise: Elliptical Trainer

This morning, while "jacking off" in the shower, I felt an intense emptiness that normally I would combat with a mixture of drugs and alcohol. But, as I
crushed my morning protein shake and devised a surefire way to score some smack--nude, in the glistening sun--I decided I would fight my heroin urges and hop on the elliptical trainer instead.

I did half an hour of interval training and my bursts were so intense I feared a heart attack but welcomed the prospect of Death as the destroyer of all my personal and administrative problems. Wearing only my finest silk undergarments, my cock danced like a sweaty snake to the Velvet Underground who serenaded me through my lime green Sennheiser MX75 Sport earbuds.

In my final burst, I asked for only death or endorphins, but neither came. Semi-satisfied, I crushed a smoothie in the Astro Lab and tried to contact the planets. I have no plans for the rest of the day.


Monday, July 26, 2010

Training Log: 26 July 2010

Morale: Low
Type of exercise: Road cycling

Battling violent winds, I rode along the southern coast. I hated every moment. That cock Aolous was angry at me, all because I fucked his mother last night in a dream. I struggled to keep tempo while the wind battered me and I broke down into tears on the side of the road. Afterwards I felt like shit and vomited a little in the shower--one of those pukes where a chunk gets stuck in your sinus and you hack and hack and hack but it won't shake loose until you finally admit defeat and turn on some trashy television and you are rudely reminded that, oh shit, I have thrown up again and fuck the taste is awful I want to die you bitch Nature you bitch you bitch you whore.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Training Log: 24 July 2010

Morale: Medium
Type of exercise: Run

On Thursday I had a mini-overdose, and when I came out of it, my female doctor advised me to take up exercise. She's short, fat, and very obnoxious with her "knowledge," but I suppose I'll take the bitch's advice.

I have no recollection of the last month. When I arrived home from the hospital, my house was full of cats and sex toys. I ordered Kitty Webb, who continues to live me on a semi-platonic basis, to clean things up. She's been otherwise useless, as there's been a touch of the syph going around.

After a mad night of dehydration and suicidal desire, I went for a lovely, dewy 10 mile run around the perimeter of the estate. The primary aim was speed; the secondary aim was to spiritually transform myself into a gazelle. I hit the first mark, huffing and puffing like a horny teenager having a make-out session with the class slut after a night of rum and reefer, but though I was feverishly horny, it was not the trademark horniness of the gazelle but rather a human hunger to make love to all the beautiful, healthful babes in the world, preferably all at the same time, preferably in a sauna. Damn the disease, but I suppose I'm doing penance. I felt grunty and good.

The sun was newly risen. I was lonely and elite. I howled. When I came home, I wanted nothing to do with that slut Kitty. Her belly is not quite flat. It disgusts me.

Monday, May 31, 2010

To Baby

Dear Baby,

Are you still mad at me because I called your pregnant clay god a whore? I told you, never worship a woman--a lesson that hit me like a tonne the summer I spent in Cyprus, masturbating compulsively in my monk's cell, never having any visions because I was drunk all the time (or at least 85% of the time). Alcohol for me is a surrogate spirit, but I must admit, it really gets things done on earth. Baby, it's how we met. We were drunk and wild and I’ve almost forgotten the sickness.

The monks and I would put on cosmic soap operas. I was always the hunky asshole/Neptune. After a row that ended with me tearing Myoki's fat Budha belly with a dessert fork, I fled to Canada, citing artistic differences. I knew that Neptune should be into bestiality--mostly cockatoos and parrots because of the tongues--but for some reason the thought disgusted Myoki. Touchy prick.

Canadians found me creepy because I stand too close. Well, yes, the English are a creepy breed. We are, after all, the ones who were afraid to leave.

But Baby, your smooth white English rose of an ass suits me fine. It's OK that you have no character--I just want to feel, taste, smell your fleshy Jupiters and oils. I think they can satisfy me, but, lest we forget, I’ve suckled the milk of paradise—come to think of it, I’ve suckled quite a bit. I'm sorry I told you we are not cats. We are. And I'm sort of into that these days. Let's be English cats and never leave the house. Let’s lie constantly.

We must destroy the pregnant figurine. Let's go into space. It will work out fine.

xoxo

- Tewksbury

Saturday, February 20, 2010

The AstroLab

She was a tall drink of water with a kick and she had legs up to here. Well well well, we've got stars in our eyes tonight. Let's pour a drink and make out in my exotic car--I'm feeling like a tiger. And it's a full moon, or close enough... Or are you sick again? You can't keep out of trouble, can you, pussy cat? You're infected with the chaos of the world--now isn't that a drag? It's not easy on me, either. But I'll jump out of a cake with a blue Speedo if it makes you happy.

Now the universe is my thing--I dig that planetary noise. Like jazz, but good. I've constructed an AstroLab in the attic--old brass telescopes, compasses, and tube electronics. It cost a fortune, but I love getting drunk on Jim Beam while spotting planets and constellations. I love the milky way, but I confess, I spend most of my time looking in parked cars. In general I've learned a lot.

Last night I woke up as Jupiter. Really psychedellic. I was full and warm but my moon was bringing me down. She said she was killing herself. I was so worried that I pissed myself. I tried to convince myself that it was just a moon--I have 62 more--but I was sad to see her go because she was a pretty one. I watched it grow ugly and die.

It's no good being a sensitive planet. I'll change my sheets and learn courage from hard liquor and fast cars. That's my long-term plan.