Dinosaurs/Blue Whale

I saw a child wet himself upon encountering the animatronic T-Rex at the Natural History Museum. I nearly wet myself too. He was scared of it, and I was scared of him, and all the others of his ilk. God they make such noise... But the big dinosaurs don't frighten me. It's the little ones that do it. They are devilish, familiar. I fear they might run up my trouser leg, and, for a few reasons, I don't want that. No no no.

The blue whale was disappointing. Yes, it was big, but I had built it up too much in my mind. Plus it's not right to be hanging from a ceiling.

Happy fucking birthday you old dandy asshole

"How was your weekend?" She asked--a perky Lancashire blonde with crooked, rotting teeth.

I was moody. Do fuck off, baby, I thought.

"It was bad," I slyly replied. "I spent it croaking up reality. It's left me with a hell of a god-damned hangover."

I thought of sleeping with her, but she was young and scared of men like me. And I realised I was too beautiful and that she thought me too strange.

The Croak. I should have written it down. I intended to write it down. The great, collective Croak! A round-table discussion on the net hosted by Matthew and Mark-O preaching the gospel of bitches and pizza (good stuff, bitches and pizza). They dance all night to the tunes of DJ Unpronounceable and they forget to write down the moves (thrust-twist-thrust!). And there they are, forgotten to history, going to hell and waste.

The Croak. The song of the Holy Tramp. Too beautiful, too weird, too strange for a pity Lancashire babe to understand. To her it's a garbled mess.

Happy fucking birthday you old dandy asshole! Exchange my party toy for some whisky. To celebrate the occasion I've purchased a MacBook Air. The Dell was hurled out the window in dramatic fashion. Inspiron my ass. I am anew.

I am a very good-looking man

I prefer to open a banana like a monkey--I pinch the nip at the base. It makes me feel like a pervert, but some things feel right.

She called me creepy. I dismissed the criticism by moaning, Baby that's my style.

I looked across the water. It was filthy and it stank like shit. We gazed deeply into each other's eyes.

"Do ugly people look at each other this way?" she inquired.

"Darling I have no idea what ugly people do."

In the end, I did not eat the banana, though my doctor says I am deficient in every vitamin and mineral. There's a time and place for everything and this was not the time for that.