Monday, December 17, 2007

Purchasing ferrets

It was on a drunken whim that Reginald and I decided to purchase a pair of common ferrets. Initially we planned on capturing a couple wild ones using our albino peregrines, but just as we were discussing it--just as I was relaying some rather esoteric falconry tips to Reginald--we walked past a PetsMart and Reginald said to me:

"Nigel, let's give in to the conveniences of modernity just this once. I do so desire a ferret."

Oh when he looked into my eyes that day! I felt as though I were traveling backwards on a Japanese bullet train, back through a tunnel of time, back to when Reginald was a lonely young poet dying for some furry affection. He has always lamented that he has cat allergies and considers dogs to be "slobbery oafs." Oh, when he looked into my eyes, it was almost enough to make my snowy heart melt. I say "almost" because he then threatened to twist off my balls should I refuse to comply.

My goodness, when we walked in, I almost vomited from the hideous decor! Reginald then called a storeman over and said to the carbuncular youth:

"We would like two ferrets with ketchup and extra processed cheese. Hold the fries."

Indeed I almost fell upon the floor in a fit of laughter! I then giggled to the youth:

"And I would like to see the part of the chicken from which one obtains the McNuggets."

Reginald then pulled out his Spanish wineskin and we poured a stream of Beaujolais into each other's mouths and told the storeman it was elephant's blood and that if he did not immediately retrieve us his two finest ferrets we would squeeze out the contents of the guinea pigs into the wineskin and force it down his throat (Reginald added that he would twist off his balls--I have come to believe this is an idle threat but do not wish to test it).

The youth acted as we desired and brought us two scrawny specimens, but drunk as I was, I thought they seemed marvelous beasts. Because I was seeing triple at the time, I christened mine Cerberus Weasel. Reginald named his Pythagoras on account of its strikingly triangular ears.

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